Danny Amor's Online Library/Danny Amor's Online Library - Volume 1.iso/html/startrek/old-incomplete/twistsoffate.crossover.p1-4

Text File | 1995-08-20 | 69KB | 1,125 lines

I've finished Part 3 of this story.  I'm reposting Parts One and Two here
for all those who've missed it.

I've read many stories here on the net, but I think I like crossovers the best.
There are crossovers between everything and everyone you could think of.
Therefore, it was hard to come up with something new and original, since all
the usual stuff had been done many times before.  Finally, though, I found
something that no one had ever done, and now I'd like to present yet another
weird and wacky crossover.

Just when you thought they'd thought of everything....   :)

              Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
                encounters the
                   Last Action Hero

            Soundtrack by AC/DC, Queensryche,
            Tesla, and other groups consisting
            of guys with really long hair and
            the ability to cause permanent
            damage to the auditory nerves.

This story (C) 1993 Michael Franz.  All rights reserved.
Permission granted for free distribution.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is the creative property of Paramount Pictures.
Last Action Hero is the creative property of Columbia Pictures.

    For the rest of the universe, it was just an ordinary day like any
other.  But, this wasn't the universe.  At least, not the four-dimensional one
known to man.  This was the ten-dimensional hyperspace in which linear time
and distance had no meaning.  This was the realm which linked all planes of
mortal existence.  In this realm, the flows of time and space endlessly raced
by in ways that mortal man could never begin to imagine.  In one part of this
dimension lived beings of great power.  So great, in fact, that practically
nothing in the mortal universes was beyond their power.  These beings had no
real names as we would understand them, but they were known in many universes
as the 'Q'.
    Q stood majestically in the Continuum, gazing out over the vista of
space and time before him.  Oh, it had been a long time since he'd done
anything really fun, he thought.  Just last week, he had tried to amuse himself
by playing pool with the planets of the Vegilia system.  He'd sunk the third
and fifth planets with a perfectly executed bank shot off of a white hole, but
was defeated when he attempted to put too much English on one of the moons,
causing him to scratch and lose the game.  He'd been so frustrated that he
decided to cause a globular cluster to go supernova; however, when he'd moved
on to one of the Clouds of Magellan, his fellow Q had stopped him and decided
to keep Q in the Continuum for a while so as to keep him from having any more
'fun'.
    "I just can't believe the nerve of some people!" exclaimed Q.  "There
I was trying to enjoy a simple game of billiards and they *arrest* me!  ME!
It's getting so that I can't have any fun around this place anymore."  Q's
thoughts suddenly turned to Jean-Luc and the Enterprise.  Now THERE were some
people who could appreciate a good joke.  Q suddenly frowned.  "I bet Jean-
Luc's out having the time of his life right now while I sit up here, *bored*."
For a moment, Q found himself envying the Enterprise.  The excitement, the
risk, the challenge...
    "Hello, Q," said a familiar voice from behind him.
    Hastily, Q turned around and suppressed the thought.  "If Jean-Luc
ever found _that_ out, I'd never live it down."  A woman in glowing white
robes stood before him.  On her belt, she wore a pair of scissors, much like
those a seamstress uses to cut thread.  She glared at Q with a disapproving
expression.  He stared at the newcomer and quickly met her gaze with his usual
arrogant expression.  "Well, what do YOU want?  I suppose you're here to
subject me to more _boring_ lectures about responsibility and the balance of
the universe!"
    "The sisters of Fate are not pleased with you, Q," she said.  "Your
kind is always causing disruptions to our plans."
    "I wasn't _disrupting_ anything!" protested Q.  "All I did was play
a simple game of pool."
    "Oh, really?" said the woman sarcastically.  "And I suppose you had
forgotten that one of the planets in that system was inhabited?"
    "Well, I wasn't *using* that one," said Q defensively.
    "You nearly caused the entire population to die of panic when you
moved it into an asteroid belt, Q!" exclaimed the woman.
    "Look, I had to put it *somewhere*, didn't I?" said Q.  "I don't see
what you're getting so upset about, Atropos.  I mean, I *did* repair all the
craters, didn't I?"
    Atropos fixed Q with a look of steel.  "We've had just about enough of
your smart mouth, Q!"  Suddenly, she drew her scissors and pointed them at him
threateningly.  "Perhaps you've outlived your usefulness."
    "Now, Atropos," said Q hesitantly, "there's no need to blow this all
out of proportion.  I mean, I'm sure we can work something out here..."
    Atropos lowered her scissors, but kept her gaze fixed on him.  "There
is one thing you could do, Q.  Something perfectly suited to your talents, I
think.  Do you remember the Key of Synchronicity?"
    Q thought a moment.  "Wasn't that the device you created for more
efficient control over the paths of destiny?  You lost it so long ago, I
thought you'd given up on that old thing."
    "It was *lost*, as you put it, when one of the 'Q' decided it would be
amusing to put it in the hands of mortals," said Atropos.  "This 'Q', like
yourself, had strange ideas about amusement.  The last time it was used,
countless lives were lost and the very fabric of destiny was endangered.  The
destruction was only stopped when my sisters and I managed to... intervene."
Atropos emphasized the last by pointing her scissors at Q.
    Q swallowed hard.  Everyone in the Continuum had heard about what had
happened to the Q who stole the Key, and that invariably kept the Q from
interfering with the will of Fate.  With a tremendous effort, he managed to
resume a relatively calm expression.  "Yes.  I'm... familiar with that
incident."
    Atropos smiled.  "Good.  As I was saying, we were able to deal with the
thief, but not the Key itself.  It had apparently assumed some innocuous-
seeming form and landed in another dimension.  We searched for it, but could
find no indication of it because it was dormant.  Recently, however, we
detected indications that someone had found the Key and reactivated it.  If it
is used improperly, as it invariably will be by a mortal who cannot understand
the universal balance, it could again have disastrous consequences.  Therefore,
we've decided that you should go into this universe and retrieve the Key."
    Q paused.  "Well, if you know where the Key is, then why not get it
yourselves?  Why send ME to do your little errands?"
    "Because, unlike yourself, Q, WE have a policy of NOT interfering in
the mortal universes whenever possible," said Atropos.  "When we manipulate
destiny, we do it through already established channels.  When we have to go
beyond those channels, we prefer to use a third party to handle the
intervention.  Direct intervention on our part could be, shall we say...
disruptive.  As much as I hate to admit it, Q, *you* are the most qualified to
do this."
    Q resumed his usual arrogant posture at hearing this.  "Well, it's
about time the Fates realized just how valuable I can be."
    Atropos continued.  "I mean, you screw with the mortal world so often,
what harm could one more time possibly do?"
    Q scowled at her.  "You do have such a blunt way of putting things,
don't you?"
    "Quite.  Now go down there and bring us the Key to Synchronicity before
anyone else gets their hands on it."
    "Yes, Ma'am," said Q with mock courtesy.
    Atropos turned and began to walk away.
    "Oh Q?"
    "Yes, Atropos?"
    "May I remind you it's *my* job to decide when stars go supernova?"

                *    *    *

    In a relatively normal New York apartment on a relatively normal planet
in a relatively normal galaxy in a relatively normal four-dimensional Riemannian
space-time metric (locally Minkowskian, of course,) a woman paced worriedly
back and forth.  Her name was Irene Madigan, and what she was worried about was
her son, Danny.  Last night, a burglar had broken into their apartment and
threatened Danny with a knife.  She had told him to come straight home from the
police station, but when he hadn't come home by three a.m., she was about to go
into a panic.  Suddenly, Danny arrived at the door with some strange guy who
claimed to be a policeman from L.A. and who bore an amazing resemblance to the
guy who says, "I'll be back."  Knowing that Danny had been with a cop had been
quite a relief.  That afternoon, he and Danny went out into the city.  She
didn't quite understand why; Jack had only told her that it had something to do
with the case he was investigating, and that Danny was a witness.  (Jack...
wasn't that the name of the guy in the movies Danny always talked about?)  Now,
it was 11 o'clock and they still hadn't come back.  For the third time in not
so many days, Irene was about to go into a panic.  Frantic thoughts raced
through her mind.  What if Jack had found this guy he was looking for, and got
into a shootout?  Or worse yet, what if the guy decided he wanted to *remove*
any witnesses?  The thought was so painful she could hardly hold back the
screams that were threatening to break forth from her throat.  With a
tremendous effort, she forced herself to stay under control.  After all, she
thought, Danny's with a cop, right?  How much safer can a person be?  Calm for
the moment, she reached for the TV and turned on the eleven o'clock news.  As
Jack would have said, "Really big mistake."
    "Hello, this is channel 11 news, reporting live from the Metro theater
in downtown New York, where some very exciting things have been going on
tonight.  During the premiere of the new film _Jack Slater IV_, a person
apparently dressed like one of the characters jumped off the balcony and ran out
of the theater followed by a celebrity look-a-like of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Viewers at first believed this to be a publicity stunt; however, several
witnesses said the person had grabbed a small boy from the crowd and bring him
to the roof of the building..."
    _Oh, God,_ she thought suddenly.  _It couldn't be!_
    "Police were summoned after an explosion took place on the roof, where
they found the first man dead and the Arnold look-a-like in critical condition
due to gunshot wounds..."
    The screen showed a person being loaded into an ambulance.  It was the
same person who had taken Danny with him this afternoon.
    "Oh my GOD!" screamed Irene suddenly.  It suddenly hit her.  Jack must
have found the guy he was after.  He must have caught him on the roof and got
into a shootout.  And the guy must have wanted the witness out of the way...
    "DANNY!  Oh, God, NO!"  She screamed in hopelessness and desperation.
Ever since she'd left that bastard drunk of a husband, her life had been one
long struggle of making ends meet by working odd hours at any job she could
find.  It had been hard raising a kid on such a small salary, but she had
always managed.  She'd always tried to make things better for her son; that was
what had kept her going when times were tough.  But, now, if he was gone...
    The announcer continued.  "The boy, however, only sustained minor
injuries."  The screen showed a picture of Danny walking into the ambulance
with the doctors and police.
    Irene screamed in relief.  "Thank GOD!  Oh, thank GOD he's alive!"  If
anyone had been in the room, she would have kissed them, even her bastard
drunk ex-husband.
    The reporter had turned to another person standing next to her.
    "Dr. Silverman, has anything like this ever happened before?"
    The man next to her cleared his throat and replied.  "Well, in my years
as a psychiatrist, I've seen many cases where an individual develops a fixation
on a fictional character.  In cases like this, where the character himself is
a psychopath, the individual is undeniably more dangerous.  In one case, we
found a woman who actually believed she was Sarah Connor and that a Terminator
had been sent back through time to kill her.  Some authorities believe that a
large portion of psychopaths may draw inspiration from their fictional
counterparts in much the same way that children draw inspiration from film or
television heroes.  In fact, we're doing a study right now on how movies and
television affect people with mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, bipolar
disorder, aphasia..."
    "Thank you, Doctor," said the reporter hastily.  "Well, with all this
talk of psycho killers, it looks like things are back to normal in the Big
Apple.  We'll have more on this late-breaking story as it comes...wait, this
just in.  The ambulance carrying the apparent Arnold look-a-like has apparently
been hijacked."
    Irene looked up in surprise.  "*WHAT?!*"
    "According to the driver, the boy they had found earlier apparently
threatened them with a gun and ordered them to take the man back to the
theater."
    Irene looked at the TV with a look of stunned disbelief as the reporter
turned toward the driver.  "This kid goes on and on about how Jack needs
to get back into the film so he'll win, you know?  I mean, it's like he thought
Jack Slater was real or something!"
    "Very interesting," said the reporter.  "Dr. Silverman, any comments?"
    "Well, as I mentioned before, young children often become quite
attached to fictional characters.  In this case, it's likely that the stress of
recent events combined with the movie setting along with the resemblance of the
person to the character induced a schizoid episode in which the subject became
unable to distinguish fantasy from reality.  This would be in accordance with
the hypothesis I'm currently researching.  You hear that, Dr. I-know-how-a-
schizoid-episode-works Franklin?  And YOU thought it couldn't push the
subject to have homicidal tendencies!"
    "Homicidal tendencies?!" said the reporter and Irene at the same time.
    "Oh, yes," said Dr. Silverman with satisfaction.  "At this stage the boy
will attempt to relive his memories of Jack Slater movies.  For example, car
chases, shootouts, crashing through walls, driving off bridges, that sort of
thing.  He'll probably attempt to kill anyone who stands in his way.  It just
goes to show that these sorts of films just aren't healthy for children."
    "Thank you, Doctor," said the reporter.
    "My pleasure," said Dr. Silverman.  "You will keep me informed of his
progress, of course?  This could get me that Nobel Prize I've always wanted."
    "Well, that's the end of tonight's big story," said the reporter.  "Now
for the five-day weather outlook with Chuck."
    Irene turned the TV off absolutely stunned by what she had just heard.
A moment ago, she was rejoicing that her son was all right.  Now, she had just
found out that her son's brain had just taken the off-ramp from reality and
made a left turn into the Twilight Zone.  She pounded her head against the wall
and cried uncontrollably.  For the entire night, she prayed frantically that
God would keep him from driving off a bridge.  Then, finally, she got a call
from the police.  They had found the ambulance crashed into the front of an old
closed-down theater and had found Danny and an old man talking about how they
had just saved Jack Slater.  Strangely, they could find no trace of the other
man.
    "Will Danny be all right?" asked Irene anxiously.
    On the other end of the line, a balding psychiatrist with a calm
expression watched as two orderlies hauled Danny and Nick off wearing strait
jackets.  "Don't worry, Mrs. Madigan," said Dr. Silverman, as he fingered the
lobotomy knife in his pocket.  "Your son will be just fine."

                *    *    *

    "Status, Major Kira," said Commander Sisco.
    "All sensors reading normal," said Major Kira.  "Whatever that anomaly
was, it's gone now."
    Sisco breathed a sigh of relief.  For the past several hours, the
station had been experiencing manifestations of the crew's imaginations.
O'Brien had imagined Rumplestiltskin while reading the story to his daughter,
and suddenly the legendary dwarf had appeared out of nowhere.  Doctor Bashir's
wildest fantasies about Lt. Dax had come true (though he'd never imagined that
the REAL Dax would be watching.)  Even Odo had gotten his wish by imagining
Quark locked up in a cell.  And Commander Sisco himself had played some ball
with Bob Bokai, one of the greatest baseball players of all time.  However,
the same force that had created these imaginary friends had also created a rift
in space that threatened to suck in the entire Bajoran system.  It was only by
realizing that the rift was imaginary that caused it, and the other things, to
finally disappear.  Sisco had later found out that the "imaginary friends" were
actually a race of powerful aliens who were curious about the power of
imagination and were conducting an experiment to learn more about it.
    "We're still getting elevated thoron emissions in the plasma field,"
said Dax.  "It could be some kind of residual effect from whatever these aliens
used to create that rift."
    "Well, whatever it is, I just hope it doesn't come back," said Bashir.
    "Oh, and why not, Julian?" said Dax.  "Didn't I live up to your
expectations?"
    Bashir turned a bright red.  "Well, uhh... that is, uhh..."
    Suddenly the console beeped.
    "This is the Krondon calling DS9.  Requesting permission to dock."
    Kira replied.  "This is DS9.  Please stand by for clearance."  She
looked at her screen and frowned.  "Commander, there's no listing of any ship
called Krondon scheduled to arrive here."
    "Let me see that, Major," said Odo.  He walked over to the screen and
looked at the readouts.  "Oh, yes.  This is apparently the 'friend' Quark
mentioned yesterday."
    "Friend?  What 'friend' is this?" asked Sisco.
    "Apparently, Quark discovered a Bajoran customer who made him an
'irresistable' offer for certain Ferengi spices," said Odo in the slightly
contemptuous tone he always used when talking about Quark.  "Naturally, he
arranged for a ship to deliver some at once."
    "A ship from Ferengal?" asked Kira in surprise.  "How could it have
gotten here so fast?"
    Dax checked her console.  "Records show the Krondon was already en route
to Tarnatha 2.  Quark must have arranged for it to change course somehow."
    Odo grunted.  "You mean he bribed the captain."
    "Why is it that Quark never informs us of these little business
ventures of his?" said Kira.
    "He claimed that he had no time to file a request due to the 'extreme
urgency' of the situation," said Odo sarcastically.  "But rest assured,
Commander, I'll personally oversee every scrap of material that leaves that
ship."
    "Very good, Constable," said Sisco.  "And please, inform your friend Mr.
Quark to use proper station procedure from now on."  He motioned to Kira to
continue.
    "DS9 to Krondon.  Permission granted to dock on lower pylon 1."
    Odo walked to the turbolift.  "If you'll excuse me, I think I'll
arrange a welcoming party for Quark's little friends."  He stepped into the lift
and left.
    Sisco turned to Kira.  "Well, Major, it appears that things are back to
normal around here."
    Kira smiled at him.  "Yes, sir!"

                *    *    *

    On the other side of the wormhole, a group of beings received the
report from their galactic exploration team.  These beings existed not as mere
matter and energy, but ordered patterns of the unified field of space and time.
As such, they were not higher dimensional per se like the Q, but they had the
power to alter the structure of their environment with thought.  However, they
had been relatively inactive for some time due to the lack of any new thought
patterns.  It was for this reason that the alien listened with great interest
to this report about the new type of thought pattern called "imagination."
    _Astounding!_ he thought.  _These beings can actually create new ideas
out of the ones already stored in their memories!  With such a power, we would
no longer have to seek out new thought patterns!_  He paused for a moment.
_And I would finally be able to rule this galaxy as I was meant to!_  He smiled
to himself.  With such a large resource of thought patterns at his disposal, he
could easily conquer his race and the rest of the galaxy!  They would never be
able to counter him with such a vast supply of thought.  Then he realized that
his plan would not work.  If he were to use thought patterns created by the
'imaginations' of these beings, then they would not be permanent.  They could
only work as long as the beings imagined them to.  Judging by the report, these
beings were not unintelligent.  It would not take them long to figure out what
was going on, especially since they had already done so once before.  If he
attempted such a plan, these beings would quickly stop imagining, thus rendering
him powerless.  Unless...  Suddenly, an idea came to him.  Perhaps he could
capture one of these beings.  Then he could have an endless supply of thought
patterns, if his subject was 'properly motivated.'  _Yes._ He smiled as only a
unified force construct can smile.  _Perhaps I should pay a visit to this
'Deep Space Nine.'_  With that, he turned and headed for the wormhole...

                *    *    *

    Q was flying through the Continuum gazing out over the expanses of ether
in an attempt to find what he was looking for.  He studied the small wand that
the Fates had given him.  Since the Key was not remotely detectable while
dormant, the wand would home in on the Key's last point of activation.  With the
astronomical number of universes that it could have landed in, however, it
would take time to find it, even for a Q.  For the hundredth time, Q muttered
a series of very unflattering comments about the Fates, the universe, and life
in general.  Suddenly, the wand he was carrying began to glow.  "Ah!  At last,
a reading!"  He concentrated to focus in on the exact destination.  "Now I can
finally get this miserable thing over with."  As the wand homed in on the Key,
Q let out a flash of light and disappeared.
    When he reappeared, he found himself standing in a in a long, wide,
black marble corridor.  He looked around, then checked the wand.  "Hmmm.. it
looks like the Key's recently been used in this vicinity, but it doesn't seem to
be here."  As he was about to leave, he heard voices coming from down the
corridor.  The wand flickered slightly, registering something.  _I'm getting
another reading    from somewhere over there,_ thought Q.  _Maybe someone here
knows where the Key is._  He unobtrusively walked in the direction of the voices
and looked around the corner.  There, he saw a large room where dozens of
people were working at desks, filing papers and answering phones.  At one end
of the room was a large desk where a man in uniform sat, handing out papers to
other similarly uniformed individuals.  A sign on the desk read "LAPD - Watch
Commander."
    _Oh, great,_ thought Q.  _A *police* station.  It's bad enough I have
to waste my valuable time doing this without having to deal with a roomful of
people devoted to law and order._  Q sighed, and in a flash of light he was
wearing a relatively conservative suit with a badge identifying him as a
detective.  _At least this way I won't have to wear one of those *dreadful*
uniforms._  He walked down the corridor into the main area, casting occasional
glimpses at his wand.  Q looked around and noticed the size of the room, along
with the elegant decor and the gigantic windows that let in the bright
California sun.  Outside, he could see a fountain spewing water elegantly into
the air.  Just then, a couple of women walked by.  They were wearing police
badges, but were wearing uniforms made of black leather accessorized with
numerous pairs of handcuffs.  _*This* doesn't look like any police station I've
ever seen,_ noted Q.  _This place looks almost... *interesting*._  Just then, a
loud voice boomed out over the entire room, instantly getting everyone's
attention.  When people heard that voice, they knew it could only mean one
thing.
    "*SLAAAAAAAATEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!*"
    Q walked over to where the voice was coming from, suddenly interested.
It was a large office with the name "Lt. Decker."
    "JUST WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN, SLATER, HUH?!"
    There, he saw a large, muscular man dressed in a red T-shirt and blue
jeans smash in the door of the office with his hand.  "Ha!  It works again!"
    Inside the office was a very angry black man in a suit, apparently the
source of the voice.  "THE COST OF THAT DOOR IS COMING OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK,
SLATER!  WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK THIS IS, SOME KIND OF DAMN DEMOLITION DERBY?
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST WALTZ IN HERE ANYTIME YOU WANT?  YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T
HAVE YOUR BADGE RIGHT NOW!!!"
    Jack Slater fixed his boss with an iron glare.  "Why the hell are you
always shouting at me?  I'm not deaf!"
    Decker jumped back, surprised by this sudden outburst.
    Jack smiled.  "You know *why* you're always shouting?  Because it's in
the script!  Yeah!  You're the comic relief!  *I'M* the hero, so SHUT UP!"
    Q paused.  What was this guy talking about?  Are these guys actors, or
something?  Was this all some big movie set?
    Jack continued.  "You see, Hollywood is writing our lives.  We have to
break away from that.  From now on, I'll just be an ordinary policeman like I
always wanted.  No more shootouts and car chases and explosions, just good old
fashioned police work."  He paused.  "And no more members of my family have to
die."
    Decker had listened to this open-mouthed.  Finally, he recovered his
voice.  "Jack?  Just what in the hell are you talking about?  What do you mean,
Hollywood is writing our lives?"
    "I'm saying that Danny was right," said Jack.  "This *is* a movie!"
    Q was momentarily taken aback.  So _that_ was what was going on!
Someone must have used the Key to travel into this universe from another one
where this *was* a movie.  And naturally, they had to go tell everyone about it.
Q understood now why the Key to Synchronicity could be disruptive.  The Fates
were not going to like this at all.  _And whatever happens, they'll probably
blame it on *me.*_
    Decker paused for a moment.  "Whatever that kid had must have been
contagious, Jack.  I think maybe you'd better take a few days off."
    "Dammit, don't you SEE?" said Jack.  "Look, remember Perkins, that cop
you fired the other day?"
    "Yeah, what about him?"
    "Why did you fire him?"
    "You know why!  The guy was a menace!  He never showed the slighest
respect for police procedure!  He was always taking the law into his own hands!
I just won't tolerate attitudes like that!"
    "Oh no?" said Jack.  "You've fired me four or five times for just that
reason, and yet you always give me back my badge."
    Decker paused a moment.  "Yeah, well... but you're different."
    "That's exactly my point!" exclaimed Jack.  "I'm different than
*everybody!*  I'm the hero of the film, so you *have* to always re-hire me!"
    "Well, I'll admit I don't know why the hell I always put up with you,
Slater," said Decker.  "but that still doesn't prove that the entire universe
is a goddamn movie!"
    "Well, what about all those car chases and shootouts I've been in?
No matter what happens, I always survive!"
    "Yeah, so?" said Decker.
    "So," said Jack, "how many other cops have been in similar shootouts?"
    Decker considered it.  "Oh, I'd say probably 2 or 3 dozen this year."
    "And how many of them survived?" said Jack.
    Decker paused.  "Well... none of them."
    "Exactly!" said Jack.  "And who's the only person you know who has
*ever* survived falling off 30 story buildings, being blown up with bombs, and
driving off bridges?!  ME!!  I survive while members of my family drop like
flies every time some damn filmmaker wants to make a sequel!"
    Decker paused as he took all this in.  "You know, I never realized that
you were the only one who ever survived those things.  I guess it just happened
so often that I never questioned it.  But Jack, come on!  I've known you ever
since the Academy.  Did they film every goddamn moment of history or what?"
    "Hell, I don't know," said Jack.  "I just know that one minute, I was
in Benedict's house, then the next minute I was in a New York movie theater.
I attended the premiere of my own movie and saw *myself* get out of a limousine
and sign autographs!  I know it's like something out of the Twilight Zone, but
it's true!"
    "Well, if it is true, what the hell are WE supposed to do about it?
File a grievance with the MPAA?"
    "No!  We just have to take control over our own lives!  For instance,
I'm not going to go around shooting people and driving cars off of cliffs
anymore.  I'm just going to be a normal cop from now on, protecting citizens,
not killing them.  And you need to stop acting like a moron and yelling at the
top of your lungs all the time!"
    Decker looked as if he was about to react to that, but suddenly laughed.
"Well, I'll say this much, Jack.  If you've gone crazy, you're just about the
sanest damn crazy person I've ever heard of.  I still think you need a few
days off, though."
    "And I still think *YOU* need to stop screaming at me."
    "Oh, Slater... just get out of my office, will you?!"  For once, though,
Decker used a friendly tone of voice.
    "Yes, sir!" said Jack, and left.
    _Well, that explains my readings,_ thought Q.  _This guy must have used
the Key.  Hmph!  No wonder the Fates want the Key back if a puny human can show
them up with it.  It's because of their silly rules, of course.  This sort of
thing would never happen if *I* was in charge.  Oh, well, I guess it's time to
get to work._  Q sighed with regret that the universe didn't acknowledge him as
the Supreme Being, and vanished.
Just when you thought they'd thought of everything....   :)

              Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
                encounters the
                   Last Action Hero

            Soundtrack by AC/DC, Queensryche,
            Tesla, and other groups consisting
            of guys with really long hair and
            the ability to cause permanent
            damage to the auditory nerves.

This story (C) 1993 Michael Franz.  All rights reserved.
Permission granted for free distribution.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is the creative property of Paramount Pictures.
Last Action Hero is the creative property of Columbia Pictures.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 2

    Danny and Nick were strapped down to chairs in a room with a large
one way mirror on one side and a television screen on the other.  Various
monitoring electrodes were attached to their heads and bodies, and several
cameras were positioned around the room to record everything that went on.
Behind the mirror sat Dr. Silverman along with a group of other psychiatrists
who were there to watch the experiment.  He noted that everything had been
properly prepared, then addressed his colleagues.
    "Today, we'll be continuing our experiments on the effects of television
programming on people with mental disorders.  As you know, we generally do these
experiments on individual subjects, but I thought it would be appropriate to
use these two subjects together because of the specific nature of their
disorders.  Both are apparently experiencing a type of schizo-effective disorder
which distorts their distinction between fantasy and reality.  The boy believes
that he can travel into a movie and bring characters back with him, with the
help of a 'magic ticket', of course."  He paused while the audience chuckled.
"According to his mother, he was socially withdrawn and was apparently obsessed
with Jack Slater movies to the point where he would skip school to go see them.
We believe that his condition was brought on by this combined with the emotional
stress of being a witness to a shooting.  As for the old man, we believe that
his grip on reality was tenuous even prior to this incident.  He deliberately
encouraged the boy's behavior patterns and even gave him the 'magic ticket.'
It is likely that the boy's delusions about the success of this magic ticket
caused the man to be pushed over the edge as well.  In this experiment, we will
try to determine whether this condition associates itself with one film in
particular or whether it extends to other types of fictional media.  We will be
showing the subjects excerpts of several television shows and movies from a
diverse range of subjects.  From here, we will monitor their reactions and
judge the results."  An attendant walked out into the room and put something in
the boy's hand.  "To accurately simulate the proper stimuli, we're allowing the
boy to hold onto the ticket while he watches.  Both subjects are free to
interact with verbal and eye contact during the experiment, but are restrained
from making any other movements."  The attendant opened the door and informed
Dr. Silverman that everything was prepared.  Dr. Silverman nodded, then turned
the lights off in the room where Danny and Nick were sitting.  "You'll have to
observe the progress on the monitors as the low lights will prevent the mirror
from working."  The psychiatrists nodded and turned to their screens, observing
every detail.  "Very well, then, let's begin."  He pressed a button on a nearby
VCR.
    As Danny and Nick sat strapped to their chairs, they suddenly saw the
screen before them light up.  "Leland MacKenzie, we think your relationship
with Rosalind Shays is not in the best interests of the firm!"
    Leland glared at Arnold Becker.  "Well isn't THAT the pot calling the
kettle black!  This from the divorce lawyer who got himself divorced!"
    "We just don't think it's wise for the senior partner to be sleeping
with the person who's suing us, Leland," said Grace Van Owen.
    "Ah!  Another fine example!" retorted Leland.  "You and Kusak have been
sleeping with each other on and off for God knows how long, subjecting this
firm to the whims of your emotional roller coaster ride, but you never heard
*me* complain about it!  And now that, for once in my life, I have a stable
relationship with someone, you all want to complain about it!"
    "I knew it!" said Nick.  "These psychologists haven't changed since
they opened Bedlam.  They're trying to torture us into submission!"
    "Mom used to be into this show," said Danny.  "I could never figure out
why anyone would want to watch a bunch of lawyers arguing all the time."
    "It's just a soap opera in a courtroom," said Nick.  "Nothing but a lot
of cheap, tawdry sexual innuendos.  I can't believe that people who call
themselves doctors would force a child of 12 to watch this!"
    In the meantime, the lawyers had finished arguing for the moment.
"And I HOPE that's the end of that!" said Leland.  "Now, what's next on the
agenda, Douglas?"
    "People vs. Mac's Pleasure Palace," said Douglas.  "It seems that 'Mac'
is being prosecuted for being in violation of the city codes against having
live nude dancing in establishments with a liquor license."
    "That seems pretty straightforward," said Stuart.  "What's the defense?"
    "We're claiming that the dancers were never at any point in time totally
nude because they were wearing whipped cream over various parts of their body
and a cherry in their --"
    At this point, the scene instantly changed to a scene from "The Young
Riders" in which two people were involved in a saloon brawl.
    Danny was totally shocked.  "They show that on prime-time?"
    "Yes, I'm afraid so, Danny," said Nick.  "These network execs will
stoop to any level to make a buck."
    "Nick, what happens if the ticket activates while these shows are
playing?  I mean, what if they decide to show Poltergeist III or something?"
    "Yes, I know what you mean," said Nick.  "We'll just have to hope it
doesn't."
    The montage of shows continued, from "The Smurfs" to "Geraldo Rivera's
Expose on Satanism".  Then, suddenly, a familiar scene appeared on the screen.
    "Frankie.  Frankie, I don't understand why you're insulting me."
    "I would never insult you, Mr. Vivaldi."
    "When you lie, that is an insult!  I know you're Jack Slater's favorite
cousin, and there's nothing you two don't talk about!"
    "Oh no!" said Danny.  "They're showing Jack Slater!"
    "We'd better hope the ticket doesn't activate while Benedict's still
alive," commented Nick.
    The movie continued on to the point where Frank's house blows up and
the bad guys are chasing Jack.  Danny watched in nervous anticipation.  This
was where the ticket had activated before.  If it activated now...  For a
moment, he thought he saw a flicker of light from it, but that was all.  It
must have been light from the TV, thought Danny in relief.

    However, at that moment, Q was watching as Jack Slater drove into the
sunset.  Suddenly, his wand beeped.  "Yes, it's definitely that same reading
again," said Q.  "He's the guy I want!"
    Jack was casually driving down the highway towards home, casually
meaning that only one or two cars behind him crashed into each other in trying
to avoid him.  Suddenly, he looked in his rear-view mirror and saw a police car
with sirens blaring.  _Oh, great,_ he thought.  _The hottest cop on the force
and I get pulled over.  The boys will never let me forget it.  Still, I'm a
sergeant, and this guy, whoever he is, is probably just a patrolman.  I'm sure
if I pull a little rank on him, he'll get the message._
    Jack pulled over and watched as a uniformed officer got out of the car
and walked over to him.  _Wait a minute,_ thought Jack.  _This isn't anyone on
the force!_
    The "officer" looked at Jack with a disdainful expression.  "I don't
suppose you know how fast you were going, do you?  Tch, tch.  It's just like
you humans to be so hypocritical.  You pass all sorts of ridiculous laws and
enforce them on everyone except yourselves."
    Jack was instantly on guard.  _This nut is impersonating an officer!
More than that, he knows I'm a cop!_  Silently, his hand reached for the gun he
kept in his pocket.
    "Now, I'm shocked, Sergeant Slater!  Pulling a weapon on a fellow
officer is a serious offense!"
    Jack froze.  _How the hell...?_
    "I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate your weapons," said Q.  He snapped
his fingers, and suddenly a pile of guns and bombs appeared at Q's feet.  Jack
felt in his pockets, but his guns weren't there.  "My, my, aren't we the violent
type!"
    Jack suddenly lunged out of the car and seized Q by the throat.
"Alright, you nut case!  Now who the hell are you, and what are you doing
impersonating an officer!"
    "Now, now, Slater," said Q calmly.  "You haven't even read me my
rights!"
    "OK," said Slater.  "You have the right to remain silent.  If you give
up that right, I'll smash your teeth in!"
    Q suddenly vanished and appeared in the front seat.  "Well, isn't that
just like a human!  You prattle on about how you defend all these rights and
freedoms, and then turn around and do whatever suits you.  Hmph!  And they say
*I'm* irresponsible!"
    Jack gaped as he saw his prisoner vanish before his eyes, then reappear
in his car as if nothing had happened.  "Who the hell *are* you?"
    "My name is neither 'who' nor 'you'; in point of fact, my friend, it's
'Q`!"  Q smiled.  "I thought of that myself, you know.  But enough small talk.
I'm here on business.  Where's the Key?"
    "Key?" asked Jack.  "What key?"
    "I understand you may have recently acquired a certain object that,
shall I say, allows you to make your wildest fantasies, such as they are, come
true," said Q.
    _The ticket!  He knows about the ticket!_ thought Jack.
    "Ah, so you DO know about it!" said Q.  "A movie ticket IS a rather
appropriate form, if a bit mundane and boring."
    "What the hell is going on here?" said Jack.  "What are you, some kind
of a god or something?"
    Q beamed exuberantly.  "You see, Atropos?  There _are_ people who know
who I really am!"  Suddenly a small lightning bolt struck Q's hand.  "Oh, all
right!  You don't have to get nasty about it!"  He paused.  "I'm a member of
what is called the Q Continuum.  My great and all powerful masters..." (he said
this with tremendous sarcasm) "...have commanded that I bring back the ticket
unto them so that none of you pathetic humans can screw with it."
    "I don't understand," said Jack.  "What masters?"
    "The Fates!" shouted Q.  "Those three miserable old ladies who write the
destiny of the universe when they're not busy planning ways of ruining my life!"
He quickly regained his composure, not wanting a mere human to see him so
completely frustrated.  "That ticket, as you call it, is a key that allows one
to open doorways into other universes.  I'm here to bring it back to them so
that it doesn't fall into the wrong hands."
    Jack's mind was temporarily overloaded by this concept, but having just
been informed that his whole life was a film, this didn't seem too farfetched.
Suddenly, a thought hit him.  "Hey, wait a minute!  You're that guy from Star
Trek, aren't you?"
    Q looked confused.  "Excuse me?"
    "Yeah!" said Jack.  "You're that guy who's always hassling Captain
Picard, right?"
    Q looked slightly taken aback.  "How did you know that?"
    Jack Slater smiled.  "Because in this world, all the adventures of the
Enterprise are in a TV show, just like in Danny's world, my life is a film."
    Q was shocked.  "A *TV* show?  *Moi*, in a TV show?!"  Then Q remembered
what the Key of Synchronicity was supposed to do.  _Of *course* they could be
in a TV show in another universe!  Imagination, after all, is what activates
the Key._  Q quickly recovered his composure.  "Hmm.  I *am* the main character,
of course?"
    "No, actually, you're just a recurring character they throw in for
comic relief," said Jack, smiling.
    "WHAT?" exclaimed Q.  "Why the nerve of those people!  And just who *is*
the main character, then?  Certainly not that exceedingly boring Captain!"
    Jack looked almost ready to crack up.  "As a matter of fact, he is!
And you want to know something?  You're just as big an asshole in person!"
    Q felt truly angry and depressed.  This was even worse than when he was
human, he thought.  Not only do the Fates interrupt his extremely busy schedule
for some mundane errand, but they send him to a universe where he's the comic
relief and the famous one is *Picard*!!  For one moment, Q remembered old Earth
legends about a place called Hell...
    With an extreme effort, Q composed himself.  Why, after all, was he
getting so depressed over some damn TV show?  If Picard was the star, how good
could it possibly be?  _It's probably *terrible*,_ thought Q.  _I'm probably
the only *interesting* character._  Having satisfied his ego, Q turned to Jack.
    "Oh, laugh it up, Mr. Big Shot," said Q irritably.  "Let's see how
many criminals you take out as a toad!"  Q prepared to snap his fingers, but was
stopped instantly by a tremendous blow to the head.  In a space of 5 seconds,
Jack Slater completely kicked the shit out of Q.
    Q lay on the ground, dazed.  "That *hurt*, you know!"
    "Too used to those Federation cream-puffs, eh, Q?" said Jack.  "You may
be all-powerful in your world, but here, you're just another asshole."
    Q stood up angrily, brushing dirt off his patrolman's uniform.  "Look,
Slater, I don't like you.  In fact, I think you're probably the most irritating
human I've ever met!  But, if I'm ever going to get this job done, I have no
choice.  You and I will have to...." (Q strained to get the word out)
"*cooperate*."  Q looked up into the sky.  "There, I said it!  Are you HAPPY
NOW?!"  He began to mutter to himself.  "Of all the dirty tricks, sending me to
this lousy universe to cooperate with a HUMAN!"  Suddenly the wand began to
beep again.  "There!  There it is!  I've found the Key!  Well, *Sergeant*
Slater?  Are you with me, or not?!"
    Jack paused a moment.  "Alright, Q.  Just remember, as soon as you get
the ticket, I want you back in whatever hole you crawled out of."
    "You *DON'T* have to remind me," said Q indignantly.  The wand flashed,
and Q and Jack vanished.

    In the psychiatric lab, Danny and Nick were still being subjected to
television torture by Dr. Silverman.  He had been doing this experiment for
hours, and it didn't seem to be producing any magnanimous results.  He had
hoped that at least one of them would have tried to break free and madly rush
towards the screen, but alas, that was not to be.  He sighed and yawned.
"OK, let's do one more TV clip, then we'll close down for tonight.  Douglas,
make sure they get 100 milligrams of Thorazine, will you?"
    The orderly nodded as Silverman walked out the door.
    Danny and Nick continued watching helplessly strapped to their chairs.
Suddenly, the show changed to a shot of a gigantic space station.  Behind the
station, a great special effect of glowing light appeared, as if a hole had
opened up in space itself.  The title read "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine."
    "Hey, this is that new Star Trek show!" said Danny.  "I've only seen it
a couple of times, but it seems to be pretty good."
    "I just hope this is the last show," said Nick.  "A few more minutes
and my eyes will glaze over."
    Danny and Nick were both so exhausted by their ordeal that they didn't
notice the ticket beginning to glow.  Softly at first, then gradually brighter.
Suddenly, the ticket flared with a sudden surge of brightness and shot a bolt
of blue lightning at the screen.
    "Hey, what was that?" said one of the psychologists who had been
awakened into alertness by the flash.
    Another psycho gazed sleepily at the monitor.  "Oh, it was probably just
some special effect on the show, Murray."  He looked at his watch.  "Well, that
just about does it.  Turn the TV off and let's go home."
    "Right."  He turned off the TV and the monitors and left.  Two orderlies
went in and took Danny and Nick back to their cells.  "Well, that's the end
of another exciting day," said the psychologist tiredly.
    However, it was just the beginning.

                *    *    *

Just when you thought they'd thought of everything....   :)

              Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
                encounters the
                   Last Action Hero

            Soundtrack by AC/DC, Queensryche,
            Tesla, and other groups consisting
            of guys with really long hair and
            the ability to cause permanent
            damage to the auditory nerves.

This story (C) 1993 Michael Franz.  All rights reserved.
Permission granted for free distribution.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is the creative property of Paramount Pictures.
Last Action Hero is the creative property of Columbia Pictures.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 3

    Aboard DS9, Lieutenant Dax was observing her sensor readings, carefully
monitoring the plasma cloud she had been monitoring earlier before the incident.
Suddenly, she noticed an anomaly.  "Commander, thoron emissions in the plasma
cloud just went up by 500%."
    "Do you know what caused it?" asked Sisco.
    "No, sir," said Dax.  "One minute the readings were normal, the next
minute they just went up."
    "Does it pose any threat to the station?" asked Kira worriedly.
    "Not at the moment," said Dax, "but after what just happened, I don't
think we should take any chances."
    "Agreed," said Sisco.  "Major, put the station on Yellow Alert.  If
there are any surprises, I want us to be prepared."
    "Yes, sir," said Kira, complying.
    "Lieutenant, I want continuous sensor monitoring.  Let me know the
minute anything changes.  Meanwhile, I need to have a little talk with Quark
about proper station procedures."
    "Aye, sir."
    Sisco turned and entered the turbolift.
    The Ops crew continued to monitor the strange emissions.  Just then, Odo
walked in.  "Is Commander Sisco here?"
    "No, he went down to give Quark another lecture about procedure," said
Kira.
    "As if he'll listen," said Odo.  "I just came up to tell the Commander
that my team has finished inspecting Quark's shipment."
    "You sound disappointed, Odo," said Bashir.  "Can it be that you didn't
find anything illegal?"
    Odo grunted.  "For once, Quark is actually dealing in something
legitimate; though I can assure you it's not out of any respect for the law!"
    "Oh, Odo," laughed Kira.  "You can be so serious sometimes."
    Just then, a light flashed on Dax's board.  "Hmm, that's odd."
    "What is it, Jadhzia?" asked Bashir.
    "Thoron emissions are the same as before," said Dax, "but now I'm
reading a sudden tachyon surge.  This just doesn't make sense."
    "We'd better report it to the Commander," said Kira.  She reached for
the companel...
    Suddenly, a blue bolt of energy surged out of the plasma cloud and
crashed into the station, blasting a hole right through it.  The Ops room was
filled with a blinding blue light.  As suddenly as it had appeared, the light
vanished.  Where the wall had once been, there was now a giant hole leading into
the blackness of space.  Pieces of twisted metal were sucked out into the void.
Kira, Bashir, Odo, and Dax were gone.

                *    *    *

    Commander Sisco was sitting at a table in the Promenade drinking a cup
of coffee.  He had just finished explaining the station's regulations for the
millionth time to Quark and was now trying to relax.  Maybe he would go and play
a few rounds of ball in the holosuite.  He smiled contentedly as he sipped his
coffee.  Suddenly, a tremendous vibration shook the room, causing the lights to
flicker and Sisco's coffee to spill all over his uniform.  As the lights
returned to normal again, Sisco noticed an alarm klaxon in the air which could
only mean one thing: a hull breach.  Instantly Sisco tapped his communicator.
"Sisco to Ops, what's going on here?"  No response.  "Sisco to Ops," he repeated
more urgently.  Still nothing.  "Sisco to Chief O'Brien, what's happening?"
    "Some kind of energy blast just came out of the plasma field and hit the
station, sir," replied O'Brien.  "The emergency bulkheads have just come down
in Section 1."
    "Any casualties?" asked Sisco.
    O'Brien paused.  "The energy bolt appears to have collided directly
with the Ops section, sir.  Major Kira, Doctor Bashir, Lieutenant Dax, and Odo
were there at the time.  I'm sorry, sir."
    Commander Sisco was filled with a tremendous feeling of loss.  Four of
his best officers, gone, just like that.  In a sudden fit of anger, he slammed
his fist down onto the table so loud that practically everyone in the bar
turned to look at him.  "Damn!" he swore.  Why did these things have to happen?
He suddenly recalled how, at Wolf 359, the Borg had carved a hole in his ship.
From behind a safety window, he watched helplessly as five people were sucked
out into space...
    An ensign had noticed his grim expression and walked over to the table.
"Are you alright, sir?"
    Sisco fixed her with a look that could melt steel.  "I'm fine, Ensign.
Just fine," he growled, then stormed out of the bar.

                *    *    *

    Doctor Bashir sat up slowly, rubbing a bump on his head.  Whatever that
flash of light was, it seemed to have knocked him out.  He opened his eyes,
rubbing them as they slowly focused on a featureless white hallway.  Was he
still unconscious?  he thought.  What the hell happened?  Next to him, he saw
the inert forms of Kira, Dax, and Odo.  Instantly, his medical instincts kicked
in, and he went over to examine them.  Fortunately, his medical tricorder
showed that they had sustained no apparent damage apart from a few bumps and
bruises.  He began to shake them awake.
    Major Kira slowly regained consciousness.  "What.. what happened?"
    "Whatever it was knocked us all for a loop," said Bashir.  "You're
alright now, though; just a few bruises is all."
    Dax and Odo had also awakened and were looking around.  "Julian, what
happened?  Where are we?"
    "Don't ask me," said Bashir.  "I have no idea."
    "The last thing I remember was an energy surge," said Kira.  "There was
some kind of explosion.  Somehow, whatever it was must have brought us here."
    "But where is here?" asked Odo impatiently.
    "Well, we'd better find out," said Dax.  "Julian, are you reading any
lifesigns?"
    Bashir checked his tricorder.  "I'm reading several humans down this
hallway."
    "Well, then," said Major Kira.  "Let's go, but be careful.  We don't
know what we're dealing with here."
    The others nodded.  Odo drew his phaser as Bashir continued to check his
readings.  They continued down the hallway until they reached a junction.
Bashir indicated the left hallway.  "It's this way."  Turning down the hallway,
they encountered a jail-type door barring their way.  On the other side, there
was a button and a chair, apparently for the guard who usually opened the door.
Since the hospital was closed for the night, the guard had already left.
    Kira pulled out her phaser, but Odo stopped her.  "Wait."  He pointed
to the button on the other side.  "Let me."  Kira stepped aside as Odo walked
up to the door.

    Doctor Silverman had just finished up the last of his paperwork and
was about to leave for the night.  Another exciting day at Psycho Central, he
thought.  No electro-shocks, no escape attempts, not even a lobotomy.  Oh well,
that's the way it goes, he yawned.  Picking up his briefcase and coat, he closed
his office door and walked down the hallway.  As he turned the corner, he saw
several strangely dressed people standing behind the guard door.  _What the
hell?_ he thought.  _Better call Security._  Suddenly, one of the people started
to walk toward the door.  As Silverman watched in abject terror, the man walked
*through* the door as if it wasn't even there.  It was as if he simply flowed
through it.  He pressed the button, and the door opened to admit the others.
Suddenly, the man, or whatever it was, turned his attention to Silverman.
    "Excuse me..." he began.
    "AAAAHHHHHHH!" Silverman panicked and ran to the alarm station, slamming
buttons with a wild frenzy.  The alarms went off, as well as the fire sprinklers
and the lights.  In his panic, Silverman had also hit the emergency cell release
button.  A tremendous CLANG! sounded as every cell opened wide.  Panicked
further by the total chaos, Silverman ran screaming down a corridor.

    Asleep in their cells after receiving 100 milligrams of Thorazine,
Danny and Nick were abruptly awakened by the sound of loud alarm bells, not to
mention jets of water blasting in their faces.  Suddenly, the cell doors opened.
Startled into activity by the sudden chaos, Danny and Nick stumbled out of their
cells and into the hallway, still half-asleep from the drugs.
    "What... what's going on?" said Danny.
    "I don't know," said Nick, "but this is our chance to make a break for
it!  If we don't get out now, we'll never leave here alive!"
    Groggily, they both began wandering down the corridor.  The flashing red
lights which provided the only illumination made the place look like a
surrealistic disco.  Insane patients running down the halls and water pouring
down on everything didn't help matters, either.  Danny and Nick continued
stumbling blindly down the corridors as the chaos raged on...

    Kira, Dax, Bashir, and Odo were not doing much better.  A second ago,
they had been standing in a nondescript and relatively calm hallway.  Now, it
suddenly looked like they were trapped inside a sinking submarine.  The sounds
of fighting filled the halls as security guards desperately tried to stop the
hordes of mad patients, who were fighting back with a maniacal frenzy
(understandable, since they were maniacs.)
    Major Kira was not amused at this turn of events.  "Now what the hell
do we do!"
    Odo quickly took charge.  "We'd better get out of here before they
realize what happened.  Come on!"  He led them back down the hallway from which
they came.  As they turned a corner, a security guard saw them and drew his gun.
"Freeze!"  Odo quickly stunned him with a phaser blast.  Amidst the chaos, they
continued down the corridor.  Eventually, they reached a door marked "EXIT."
"At last, we made it," said Bashir.  His joy was short-lived, however, for a
particularly insane female patient had just come from another hallway and was
also seeking the exit.  With a frenzied "AAAAHHHH!" she took a baton she had
stolen from one of the guards and clobbered Bashir from behind, knocking him to
the ground.
    "Julian!" shouted Dax.
    Kira and Odo instantly readied their phasers, but the woman grabbed
Bashir and put the baton up to his neck.  "Don't FUCKING MOVE or I break his
FUCKING NECK!  Do you HEAR ME?!!"
    Kira and Odo both backed off slowly so as not to antagonize her further.
    The woman's intensity eased somewhat, but she was still obviously tense.
"Alright!  Now I'm going out this door!  You try to stop me, and he gets it!"
The woman dragged Bashir to his feet and began edging towards the door, still
keeping the baton in position to snap his neck if she had to.
    Kira and Odo stayed back, tense, waiting for the right moment to make
a move.  Dax stood by, watching with a worried expression.  Just then, a
security guard coming off his break walked in through the exit door.
"What the..."  The woman quickly dropped Bashir and slammed the guard with the
baton, beating him sensless.  As the others ran to retrieve Bashir, the woman
drew the guard's gun and pointed it at them.
    The officers of DS9 exchanged a look which clearly indicated this
wasn't their day.

PART FOUR WILL BE COMING.  STAY TUNED!


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Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!hobbes.physics.uiowa.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!jussieu.fr!univ-lyon1.fr!swidir.switch.ch!scsing.switch.ch!news.dfn.de!news.dfn.de!tubsibr!ws.rz.tu-bs.de!y0000085
From: [e-mail] (Franz)
Subject: Twists Of Fate (Part 4) NEW!!!
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Date: Thu, 17 Feb 1994 20:26:07 GMT
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Just when you thought they'd thought of everything....   :)

              Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
                encounters the
                   Last Action Hero

            Soundtrack by AC/DC, Queensryche,
            Tesla, and other groups consisting
            of guys with really long hair and
            the ability to cause permanent
            damage to the auditory nerves.

This story (C) 1993 Michael Franz.  All rights reserved.
Permission granted for free distribution.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is the creative property of Paramount Pictures.
Last Action Hero is the creative property of Columbia Pictures.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 4

    In another nondescript corridor of the hospital, Q and Jack Slater
materialized... and were instantly drenched with water.
    "What the hell...?" exclaimed Jack.
    Suddenly, the sprinklers and alarms stopped.  Without the flashing
red lights to illuminate them, the corridors were plunged into darkness.
    Q grimaced as water dripped from his body.  "Ugh!  I *hate* being wet!"
    Jack laughed.  "Is the great and mighty Q afraid of a little water?"
    "Well, YOU can stay wet, you puny human!" exclaimed Q.  "*I*, on the
other hand, have an image to uphold!"  He snapped his fingers and was suddenly
clad in a glowing white robe which illuminated the hallway.  "Ah!  That's more
like it!"
    Jack wasn't impressed by Q's trick.  "Are you sure this Key thing is
here?"
    "Oh, of course, you meandering moron!" exclaimed Q.  He glanced at the
wand.  "You see?  It's just around the corner!"  Q lifted his head high and
began to walk majestically down the corridor.  Jack reluctantly followed him.
Soon, they came up to a door marked "DR. SILVERMAN - HEAD PSYCHIATRIST".
Someone had, as a joke, carved the word "Shrinker" underneath "Psychiatrist."
Q glanced at his wand, and saw that it was glowing brightly.  "Ah!  It's just
inside there."  He was about to snap his fingers and teleport inside when Jack
suddenly kicked the door in with one blow.  "Hmph!  You humans simply have NO
sublety!" muttered Q.      He walked past the shattered door and saw a relatively
ordinary office with an expensive-looking desk.  On the desk, something glowed
with an unearthly light much like Q's own.
    "Finally!" said Q with a sigh.  "I've found it!  Now, I can send it
back to the Fates and put an end to this loathsome ordeal."  He tried to touch
the wand to the ticket, but the wand pushed him back.  Q was confused.  "Why
on earth isn't this thing working?  The Key should disappear when the wand
touches it!"
    Jack picked up the ticket and turned it around in his hand.  "This is
only half of the ticket, Q.  Maybe it's not working because you need both
halves."
    "And how would *you* know?!" commented Q.
    "Because Danny lost one half of the ticket and used the other half to
send me home," said Jack.  He waved the ticket in Q's face.  "Besides, does
this look like a whole ticket to you?"
    Q was about to let out a snappy retort, but fell silent as he thought
about what Jack said.  Then, he spoke up.  "I don't suppose you know where the
other half is, do you?"
    "Benedict had it when he exploded," said Jack.  "It fell off the
building and could be anywhere on the street by now."
    "Oh, great," said Q.  "Now I have to go digging in the sewers for this
damn thing."  He reached out to take the half Jack was holding, but it flashed
and spit tiny lightning at him.
    "It doesn't seem to like you, Q," said Jack, smiling.
    "You humans are so easily amused," commented Q as Jack pocketed the
ticket.  Suddenly, Q's wand began to beep again.  "Hmmm... looks like the Key
has been up to something else around here."
    "Do you know where it's coming from?" asked Jack.
    "Of *course* I know!" snapped Q.  He regained his composure and pointed
down the hall.  "I'm getting a reading from this way."  Jack and Q set off down
the hall, hot on the trail of this latest lead...

    In another hallway, things were not looking good for the crew of DS9.
Bashir, Kira, Dax, and Odo glanced at each other warily as the insane woman
continued pointing the guard's firearm in their direction.
    "I don't suppose you have any psychiatric training, Doctor?" asked Kira.
    "Um, to be honest, no," said Bashir.  "Do you?"
    The woman began to glance at the company one by one, as if she was
playing "eenie-meenie-miney-mo" with her gun and their heads.  Slowly, she began
to back towards the exit.  With every step she took, the tension in the group
began to ease.  For a moment, they actually thought they were going to get out
alive.  At that moment, however, footsteps sounded from the other hallway.  The
woman turned, instantly suspecting a trap.  As Bashir watched, a young boy and
an old man in hospital robes were staggering down the hallway.  If the woman had
had any self-control up to this point, she lost it at this moment.  Blindly, she
began firing shots down the hallway at the new arrivals.  The boy and man
instantly dropped to the floor as the woman continued firing wildly into the
dark.  Then, she turned toward the DS9 crew.  "You set me up!  You FUCKING SET
ME UP!!!"  Her face was the ultimate image of paranoia as she pointed the gun at
them...
    Suddenly, another set of footsteps echoed from the other direction.  The
woman turned, ready to shoot.  This time, two men stepped out from behind a
corner.  The crew couldn't see the second man clearly, but they could see a
large, muscular man wearing a red T-shirt and blue jeans step forward.  When the
woman caught sight of him, her paranoia instantly became total panic.  She
dashed out of the exit doors, crying "NO!!!  NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  HE`LL KILL US
ALL!  HE'LL KILL US ALL!"
    The crew stood still for a moment, trying to make sense of what had just
happened.  Then, suddenly, the large man caught sight of the other two people
who had come from the opposite direction.  "Danny!  Are you all right!"  He ran
over to the youngster, who was shivering.
    Bashir went over to them to see what he could do to help.  He ran his
tricorder over Danny and Nick.  "It looks like they've been put under some kind
of tranquilizer," he stated.  Then, he caught sight of blood on the side of
Danny's robe.  "Oh, no.  Looks like the kid was hit by that wacko's projectile
weapon.  I'll have to stabilize him before he loses too much blood."  He began
to work on Danny's wound.
    Kira looked over and finally caught sight of the second man.  It was a
face she knew all too well.  "Q!  I should have known this was another one of
your tricks!"
    "Oh, no, not you too!" said Q.  "And I thought I had enough problems."
    Bashir turned back to the others.  "I can't stabilize him here.  If we
can't get this kid to a sickbay soon, he'll die."
    Jack wasn't sure who these strangers were, but he knew that Danny needed
help.  He turned on Q.  "You've got to do something, Q!"
    "What do you want me to do?" shouted Q.  "I can't send them back!"
    "I don't know what's going on here, Q," said Jack, "but you'd better do
something and quick, or Danny will die!"
    Q bit his lip and thought for a second.  Then he grabbed the ticket out
of Jack's pocket and handed it to Bashir.  "Think about your sickbay," he said.
    "Excuse me?" said a confused Bashir.
    "Oh, for heaven's sake, just imagine your sickbay!" shouted Q.  "I
haven't got time to explain, just DO IT!"
    Bashir didn't know what was going on, but the urgency of Q's tone made
it clear that he was serious.  So, Bashir concentrated on the sickbay of DS9 and
imagined all of the instruments, biobeds, and nurses that were in it.  His
concentration began to sharpen, and he saw every detail from the indicator
lights to the tiny buttons on the control panels.  His mind suddenly recognized
one of the especially attractive nurses that worked with him.  _I wonder if she
would like to be restrained by a neural field,_ thought Bashir.  Suddenly, the
ticket in his hand began to glow...
    Two policemen had just come from the other hallway and had heard a
noise.  Thinking that patients were trying to escape, they ran down the corridor
to the exit door.  As they rounded the corner, they saw two patients along with
four people dressed in strangely colored uniforms, a large man in a red T-shirt,
and a smaller man dressed in a white, glowing robe.  Before their minds could
react to this strange sight, the entire group was surrounded in a flash of blue
light, then simply disappeared.  The two policemen looked at the hallway, then
looked at each other.  It was at that moment that they swore never to raid the
dispensary again.

    Bashir opened his eyes again after being startled by a tremendously
bright light.  To his surprise, he was no longer in a dimly lit hallway, but was
back in Deep Space Nine's sickbay.  Glancing around, he saw that Kira, Dax, Odo,
and the strangers were also there as well.  Suddenly, he remembered the boy and
his injury.  Instantly, he grabbed Danny and put him onto a biobed, then grabbed
his hypospray and laser scalpel.  He administered the drugs, then removed the
bullet and sealed the wound.  After he was finished, he sighed and sat down.
    "Is Danny going to be all right?" asked the big guy.
    "Yes, he's going to be fine now," said Bashir.  Then, he suddenly
noticed that one of his nurses was laying on the next biobed, clad in only a
blanket and struggling against a neural field.  If he had been confused before,
it didn't even begin to compare with how confused he was now.
    "My, my, my, it seems you have quite an imagination, Doctor," said Q.
    Bashir turned around.  "Q!  What sort of trick are you trying to pull!"
    Dax cleared her throat.  "Ahem!  Julian, shouldn't you let that woman
go first?"
    Bashir blushed.  "Ah, yes."  He turned off the neural field, leaving the
confused nurse to run away looking for her uniform.
    Jack looked at the woman as she was running away.  "Hmmm..." he said,
fingering the Key with a gleam in his eye.  "I wonder what I can wish up."
    Q snatched the Key away from him.  "I simply won't allow you humans to
fulfill any more of your perverted fantasies!  Besides, this thing is far too
dangerous for you to be using anyway, remember?"
    Kira suddenly lost her patience.  "Would someone tell me just WHAT THE
HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?!"
    Just then, Commander Sisko entered the room.  When the light had
suddenly appeared in the middle of sickbay, one of the nurses had panicked and
hit a security alarm button.  Sisko had come in response to the call, and was
surprised to find his four missing presumed dead crewmembers all apparently
drenched.  "Major Kira!  I thought you were dead!  What's going on here!"
    "That's exactly what I just asked him, Commander," said Kira, pointing.
    "Q!" exclaimed Sisko.  "I hope this isn't another one of your practical
jokes, because this time I'm not laughing."
    "Ah!  Commander Sisko!  Such a pleasure to see you again!" said Q
cordially.  When he got no response, he simply frowned.  "Well, I think a
modicum of civility would be in order, considering I did get your crew back!"
    Sisko noticed that, along with his missing crewmembers, there were also
two people in hospital robes as well as a tall, well-muscled man.  "Q, just
answer me one thing.  What happened to my crew members and where did these
people come from?"
    "Ah, that's two things, Commander," said Q.  Seeing the frown on Sisko's
face, he continued in a more serious tone.  "But since I'm feeling generous
today, I'll give you a full explanation."